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Thoughtful Archives
April 16th, 200212:24AM
The church retreat was great. I had so much time to talk to God about my life. The first day of the retreat, satan tried to disturb my mind so that I wouldn't be able to get pumped up. In a way, it defeated me. Even now, I think about it, it really makes me mad. All I want is apology and acceptance of wrong doing. I miss Dallas. While watching the Bachelor, I got to see Dalls Skyscrapers. I miss it so much. Things that I took for granted are coming back to me and making me more appreciative. I miss those days where I had hopes and confidence for the future. I still do, but, then, I was little more naive and dreamy. I just miss those old times in Dallas. Hmmmm.....
Dec. 11th, 2001
Dec. 1st, 2001
Nov.30, 2001 12:56AM Tonite, I talked to Hyun on the phone. At first, I thought he would hang up after asking about Korean class but we ended up talking for an hour about God. He has told me that he's a Christian. However, to me, he didn't seem like one. I got such impressions from the conversations I had during this quarter. But he believes in God's existence so he's a Christian. He also knows that he wants live his life according to God's words, but it's just so hard for him to change. I totally understand him. For me sometimes it's so hard not to fall and make butt prints. But without those hardships, we wouldn't be able to grow up and realize that Relying on God is the answer to every question. At the end of conversation, I realized that I should pray for him instead of only telling him what to do. I invited him to IV common ground tomorrow. I hope that he come. [_]
Nov 28th, 2001
2:55AM Pretty late or early today. Everyone's asleep. What am I doing still up? Doing homework. LanceKillJoy is also talking to me. He's a boy I met at IV. Thank God I didn't bite his head off when he shut the lid on my arm while I was trying to get a piece of brownie. From that experience, I realized that I should always be nice to people - no matter what. [_] Recently, I thought about what dating is. As someone once said, why label as dating and boyfriend and girlfriend? Can't we just hang out? But if you start hanging out alone a lot while having feelings towards each other, then that's dating. so complicated. I have promised that I wouldn't date till I find the potential. I haven't found the potential. I am trying not to be biased. I could just let myself go and see who's out there, then there are a lot of guys I could just say yes to if they ask me out. BUT making myself strict to dating, I haven't found the potential yet. But anyway, that's not what I am trying to say. Today, I thought about dating. Then, because I have promised not to date till I find my potential, I gave up. Then, I realized that I don't really have to date. I can just spend lots of time with the person. Hmmm...i don't know. I am babbling again.
Nov 27th, 2001
1:35AM A girl meets a boy. A boy meets a girl. And they are engaged. Now it's time to decide when to have the ceremony to be together for the rest of their lives. I just found out the difference between engagement ring and a weidding ring. Engagement ring has a diamond and wedding ring is a gold/silver band for both bride and groom. I feel all of sudden excited because I finally have a friend who's engaged. That's so sweet! When I went a wedding over the summer, I found myself making a guest list for my wedding. Haha! I can't wait to go to my friend's wedding. I can't wait to see his first kid. hehe.
Nov 26th, 2001
Nov.25th,2001
Nov 24th, 2001
Nov 21st, 2001
August 16th, 2001
In my opinion, you should always speak up no matter the listener would get mad or not, evenif the listenr is yourfriend. The truth comes out at the end anyway, so it`s better to reveal at the beginning then hide it and act as if everything`s ok. So that`s what I`m gonna do from now on. If something`s wrong, I will say it directly. If the listener gets mad at me because I say right things, then she or he does not deserve whatever is there for her or him.
e-mail me at esther@christfirst.net
11:49 AM in Korean Standard Time There's no impossibility in Korea. Written in PC Room
7:02PM First day of December and as usualy, I am so nervous. Yes, it's finals week. YIKES! I've been doing this since I entered elementary school 14 years ago. My friend told me tonite that he wanted to kill himself. I feel the same way. It's not like I've never taken finals before but it's just too much pressure. Also, it's a quarter system, so I have finals every 10 weeks. That's just too much! I know that I will survive but I am just scared that I will fail everything. I know, you will tell me that I won't fail. But I am very afraid. And as always, I say to myself that I should've started studying earlier. Why do I do this to myself all the time? I don't know what to do... 2 important exams on Monday. I can't even breathe well....something's choking me.
1:49AM Last day of November! In 31 days, the new year comes! I am not ready to welcome it. IV was great tonite. My heart was so towards the Man up there while singing. My lunch thing with Kyle didn't work out because we had a miscommunication. It's been rainy most of this week. Every night, in my dreams, I run. Run, Esther, run! I am chased by I don't remember who and I just run away from them. And one night, in my dream, my teeth got all crooked, so I was complaing to my orthodontist. What's wrong with me? After each night, I wake up and I feel like I haven't been sleeping at all and I feel very crabby. Um...I am running out of things to say. Actually, I just lied. I do have many things to say, BUT I will stop here for tonite because I know that there are people who just know too much about me. hehe. I will come back though. Stay tuned...
Nov 29th, 2001
1:42AM I hung out with Ileana today after chem lab check out. I had missed her so much! We've been friends since the first year of college. We fought a lot. hehe. Those were the days! We got to know each other more through fighting though. And we got to learn how to understand each other better. We went to UDF to get ice cream. I got two dips of Blue Moo Cookie Dough & something else. It was ok. As we walked down on the high street, we dropped by Ruby's to see if they have a butterfly ring I lost in the process moving to a new apartment. Once again, Ruby's told me that they don't have that kind of ring anymore. With disappointment in my mind, we continued to walk down on the street. We saw a man with artsy jewleries near BankOne ATM. And he had the ring i have been looking for. I was so happy. It looked little bit different from what I originally had. But I got it anyway. He called \\$15.00 for the ring. When I said it was too expensive, he asked me what number I liked. I told him 10 and he called 11. Hehe. That's was my first time to bargain. Welcome to the real world, Esther! I was so proud of myself. Hehe.
1:49AM If you find honey, eat just enough. Too much of it and you will vomit. Proverbs 25:16
8:21PM Shocking thing happened this morning around 2:30AM. I was having a night talk with my friend as usual. Because he had been so stressed out, I told him maybe he should pray to God and leave everything up to Him. His response to my caring advice was that " Is that why you never study? " in a really mean way. I was more shocked than upset. It made my jaw drop. All I could say was "that's not true..." He made me totally speechless. I was only saying pray to God because I thought he was a Christian too. If he were a Budhist or something else, then I wouldn't have told him such a thing. I told him that it was very rude of him and it hurt my feelings. I felt like he was looking down upon me. This morning wasn't the only time he treated me that way. He's been telling mean things to me all this quarter - just because he's stressed out. I don't think that's an excuse. I am stressed out also. I've failed my midterms this quarter. But just because of that, should I be saying mean things to my friends who give me a caring advice? I am still in shock and sad at the same time. I am sad and disappointed because I realized that I don't know him at all. He's so different from I thought. And the saddest thing is that he's not a Christian. He only attends church on Sundays. He doesn't believe in God - our ONLY God. He thinks of religions as one of the cultures different people have and he told me that he will compare each religion and finalize which religion he should "believe" - whatever helps him to live his life in a good way. The fact that he's not a Christian is sad because I won't be able to talk about God to him anymore. I won't be able to share testimonies with him anymore. I could, but it won't be the same as I would do that my Christian friends. Man, I feel deceived. All this time, I thought he was this person I had known, but he's not. How shocking is that? I don't know anything about him at all...
8:30 I got a letter from a friend in Korea who's in the army today. I was so happy. Surprisingly, it only takes 8 days for a letter to arrive from Korean army station. What an improvement of technology! hehe (I have no idea what I am trying to say.) Anyway, he told me that it's been only a year since he had gone to Goondae(army station in Korean). To me, it's been a year ALREADY! To him, it's been ONLY a year because he still have 1.6 years left before he gets out and live his life - doing whatever he wants to do. He wants to study hotel management. He has this huge dream and a vision. He wrote that he misses me. (smile~*) I miss him, too. I think he will be surprised when he finds out that I am going to Korea next thursday! I can't wait to see him again and many other friends. I am listening to a song by a Korean boy band named g o d (groove overdose). It's a good song.
1:25AM Confusion... my friend wrote me a poem today. It was about him and me. Hmmm...I was very surprised and shocked to read the poem. It just made me realize that he still cares for me...that's great. Our friendship is still alive, breathing. It had been shaking since this year. I was kinda upset that he didn't share with me about his thoughts and feelings. Friends share things, ya know? I guess because I share my thoughts with him, I just automatically expected that he would do the same thing. But he's a different individual. I shouldn't have expected the same thing I do from him. It's my fault. "You've changed. You'not saying it's bad...but you've changed. you're not the lil esther that i knew last year. you act and ARE more mature. i don't know...last year you were like this lil teddy bear...this year you're all grown up it seems
but it's ok..."
1:37AM Lunch? Nice...I haven't been asked out to have lunch with a guy for a while. Wait. I don't think I ever have. Hehe. Recently, I have realized that I like it when someone pays me attention. But, when it goes overboard, I freak out and it could ruin whatever I had with the person.
1:44AM I am confused again. He has a girlfriend, yet he says that I try not to be closer to him anymore. Of course, I am going to try NOW not to be any closer to him than before. I mean, there were times I almost fell and I didn't in reality but I DID in my dreams. I don't want to get hurt from the relationship we never had. Now that he's dating someone, I kinda need to step back. I don't want to get hurt anymore. He should know that I still care though. UGH! I never thought that friendship would be this complicated. I guess, life itself is complicated. Yawn~~~
I feel so mellow. As the finals week is coming, I feel nervous and anxious. Dan talked to me tonite. I was surprised. I didn't think that he would talk to me ever again. I guess we made up(?) I am confused. I do not know what to do to make him feel better. I just wish I could somehow let him enter my brain and read my thoughts, then he will understand that it's not what he thinks. Sometimes though, I don't see that he tries hard to be a closer friend to me. I mean, I am sure he values our friendship as much as I do, but by him telling me that I don't care and stuff, it's not helping... Hmmm... I don't know.
It's 3:12AM and I can't sleep. I have to get up in less than 5 hours to get ready for church. I will be playing for keyboard at ANCF because the keyboardist won't be there today. The practice at George's was so great. Everyone knows what she/he's doing, so it went very smoothly.
Love...what is love? I once thought that I was in lu~~v. Then, one morning I realized that I wasn't really in love. It wasn't a love that I was in. I was only trapped in a dark box. Thankfully, I was able to get out of it. Recently, I found out that many people are in "love". The reason I say that they are in "love" is because they say that they are. But are they really in love? I wonder. Once my good Christian friend told me that, her relationship didn't work out because it wasn't based on God and they weren't following the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13. She's right. That's what true love is. If someone asks me what love is, now i know the answer. It's in the Bible - 1 Corinthians 13. Because of my first inexperienced relationship I had more than a year ago, I was very hurt, frustrated, and hateful towards myself for making glitches in my life. However, now I look back, I am kinda glad that it had happened. Because of it, I grew up and I got to know how the world works. Most importantly, I realized that there's no one to rely on but God. I am still working on relying on God only, but it's so hard. But whenever I go for humanbeings, I look at the scars in the past, and I get on the right track again. I think that's life. Because we are human beings, we make mistakes without knowing. Make mistakes - regreat - learn - confess sins - cry out to God and then same thing over and over again; in a neverending circle.
I am still a stupid human being - not because I don't know anything BUT because I don't act on what I am aware of. As of 3:24AM Nov. 25th, 2001, I promise that I will live my life for God. I will pray for the friends I love silently- instead of telling them what they are doing wrong which sometimes creates upset atmosphere. Also, as of now, I lift my everything up to the One in Heaven. Because He lives so high up there, He knows what's better for me more than I do.
InterVarsity Christian Fellowship Common Ground on Nov. 29th, 2001. @ 8:00 PM @ Bolz Hall RM 436
Time flies so fast! I am going to Korea in 10 days. Flying~. Because of those stupid terrorists, going through the airport gates will be so hectic. I heard that they basically go through the entire bag and if they see anything suspicious, they will throw it away. AHHH! I just pray that I have a good time in Korea. Guess what? Last nite, as I was walking out my door, I see huge huge huge POOP in the hall way of my apartment. It almost made me puke. When I called the emergency number, the guy said that I have to wait till the morning. So I waited till this morning and as I walked out my door, I feel the heat with the poopy smell and there they were. Still sitting in the hallway. Ahhh! I am afraid to leave my apartment now. More annoying thing is that I hear the dog barking in my neighbor's apartment. I didn't know that you could have pets in this student apartment. UGH! (2:08 PM)
Happy turkey day! Another Thanksgiving has come. This year, I will be going to my Great Aunt's again. I am excited because she makes so much good food. I can't believe it's already november and there ar 40 days left till the year of 2002. So much has happened this year. Man, I've gotten so much more mature than when I first started college. I feel old. I will be 22 in 7 months. YIKES!(7:28PM)
In 32 days, my third year in college starts. I am very nervous. From what I see, I won't even be able to get into dental school. Even though the admissions director said I still have hope, I don't believe it. However, I will do my best. Recently, I found out Hyun Joo has MSN, so I talked to her online and also her friend Hong Suk has one too, so I've been talking to him every day. Because Korea is 13 hours faster, it's kinda hard to talk to them online. However, we've been managing well so far. Hehe. I haven't been spending time with God at all. My summer just went by with me noticing it. This is what my summer has been so far: wake up, shower, go to school, come back, lunch, go to work, come back, wokrout, eat, go to library, come back, surf, and go to sleep. Same routine over and over again makes me sick. I sometimes feel like disappearing. On the 31st, I am moving to an apartment and I hope that everything works out well. It seems that I won't have time for anything starting next quarter. I am talking about EVERYTHING. I am reconsidering about everything that's going on in my life. I am resetting my priorities - canceling some things out and debating whether I should keep some of my activities. My goal since the summer has been 4.0. It won't happen this quarter becaus I suck at biology. However, I am praying that I do well on the final to get at least a B-. Since when do I care so much about the numbers on my transcript? I am shocked at myself. Last night, Luke helped me out with my biology project. He's such a great person. However, I don't like it when he tries experiments on me because it seems like he's trying to figure out weaknesses of me. I sometimes just want to give him hugs but I am afraid he will just pin me down. Man, the big guy is scary sometimes. I think he's getting tired of me. I think I will give him some space from now on because I don't want him to be sick of me. I wish I had a brother like him. Why am I an only child? I've been asking about that recently. Hmmm.... I feel good because I finally updated my homepage. Tomorrow is the new day! And I will live it like it's my last day. Then, I BETTER START READING THE BIBLE AND TALKING TO GOD MORE! God, I am coming! :)
Updated on August 16th, 2001