1:38AM
I don't like holidays. They make me more stressed out. One told me tonight that I am a girl who's stressed out so much. And I agree. I think that there's something wrong with me. There are times I hide myself from being myself because I am afraid that my weakness will show up. I don't want to show my depressing side. Now I understand why some people lie about their life by saying happy things only. It's because they don't want to say depressing things while others are happy go lucky. I am not being appreciative these days at all. I sometimes find myself giving up and stopping. I just want to be in a good mood. I'd like to be happy - like others. I want to be able to share things that are going on in my life with other people. But I can't. Tomorrow, I am supposed to meet up with J. And we are supposed to go to coffee shop to catch up and talk. I am nervous. I am stressed out about it. What if I have nothing to talk about? I am sure I will. I'd like to hang out with him but it stresses me out. Interpersonal relationships have been stressing me out these days. Last week, I cried twice. What's the big deal about that? I cried without any reasons. I mean, without any reasons that should make me cry. My brain was thinking so hard and it even made some assumptions that didn't even happen in the future, and I started crying. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I was totally out of control. And today, I was so close to break down at Apple Bee's but I held it in. I am just afraid that I will just start breaking down wherever. I think I need to seek some help. I want to get better... Yes, it is that serious. If I think of something, it can make me cry even now. I think of my future and horrible things come into my head and they make me cry. I wonder how my hang time with J will go tomorrow night. As one told me tonite, it is flattery when someone likes you. I understand him. I was never mad at him for being flattered. I guess I was just hurt. Hehe. Well, we are good friends now and he's dating my roomie now. I think that they will get married. It would be cool to see them together for the rest of their lives. Hehe.
Anyway, I am assuming that J's feelings for me has diminished. I am sure he was never crazy about me. If he was crazy about me, he would ask me to do things with him, but all he says is give me a call. Well, he sometimes does ask me to do things with him, but it's been just a bad timing. How can he like me when he doesn't even know me? That's what I'd like to know, but I think it's too late now since his feelings have changed. I think I can see myself compromising myself, giving it in little bit. Not a good sign at all...
I really think that I need to get some help...my mind is drifting away...I feel like I am checking out...watching myself being this way...
God,

God, I thought she liked me.
God, how could I have been this blind?
God, why didn't you let me see?
God, why couldn't I open my eyes?
God, why do I have to feel all this?
God, have I not known pain?
God, has there been something I've missed?
God, is there some skill I have not gained?
God, I have always believed in you,
In my own way.
But you have never made me this blind.
Not till this day.

Written by [LK] 5-09-01
Titles by [EH] 11-11-01

May 3rd, 2002
12:37AM
1. When you are in situations, just pray "God, I believe that you are with me. Give me strength to get away from the satan!"
2. Do not expect from people who often does wrongs to you. Just learn the lesson from the first time experience.
3. Just forgive and forget. If you can't forgive, then just forget it so that you don't committ anymore sins against others
4. Don't try too hard. If it happens, it happens. By trying hard, you are only being a different person to fit into the category of being wanted.
5. Learn how to let go. Letting go sometimes hurts. But it hurts more to be ditched by your best friend over her another friend. Just let her/him to be with whoever she/he wants to be with.
6. Don't tell your girlfriend the truth. Just say only what she likes to hear. Sugar coat the fact with lies. From what I experienced, after giving the truth and adviced from loving way, she got mad at me for "making her feel like she's a bad person".
7. Just relax. It's not the end of the world. God still loves you. You are never alone when there's God watching over you 24/7, 365days a year, till you leave this worldly place.
8. Just be thankful to God for giving great people in your life. If some of them turns out to be not so great, oh well, too bad. Try not to take it personally. It's just who they are.
9. If the foot is put in your mouth, just keep it in. Less the words, less the trouble. Unless the person who put the foot in your mouth is misunderstanding what you said, try to zip up.
10. Just try to live your life with what you have. Don't want more than what God gave you. If God wants you to have it, He will provide no matter what. Even friends, if God wants you to be friends with her/him, she/he will be a true friend to you no matter what. Just follow His words.

Just follow Him. Just live for Him. BECAUSE He rocks! BECAUSE He is the only one worth to live for!

1:10 AM dreaming: "Hi, wuz up, man? Whatcha doin this weekend?"

1:54 AM The Poet has 3 older sisters and 1 younger sister. Their ages are 32, 30, 28, and 18. WOW! He's so blessed. I wish I had 4 brothers. Hehe. I sometimes find myself following older friend like a brother. I wanted to talk to the Poet more, but he had to go not to fail out of school. I think that there's still friendship alive between us.

1:58AM I've been receiving AIM messages from JP this week which really made my day since I haven't talked to him for a while. And tonite, I've been talking to him since 12:40 AM. And guess what? We have so much in common. He's been playing the piano for 17 years and so have I. He's been playing the clarinet since 6th grade and I've been playing the flute since 1992. His family is christian and so is mine. He's Korean and so am I. This is so cool! Hehe. He invited me to his house for Saturday dinner with his friends. I wonder how it will turn out. I hope that everything go well. Anyway, I have made another friend with whom I can talk about God. YEAH!

May 2nd, 2002
12:06AM
I saw White Dan at Asian Cultural show tonite. I was so happy. I really missed him so much. He still has those adorable dimples. He's still tall. He's sitll hot! He gave me a hug. He has moved out of Siebert Hall to German Village. He's graduating next year. God, I shall miss him so much. I have found myself getting attached to people so easily - it's all because of "jung". Jung, in Korean, means strong attached feelings towards others. It's just these feelings to anybody. So because of jung, even though you hate the person, you still hang out with her. It's like in a family, you say you hate your brother but you still live with him in the same house because of jung, family jung. Anyway, yeah, I miss my old friends in Korea, in dallas, and Hyun and many others. Hmmmm... Sleepy... Too many thoughts have entered my brain just like any other nights. And fingers get busy as they enter every second. And I fill up the space that I have created in the universe. Never ending story~~~~ I wonder how my life will turn out. I sometimes become a third person observing over my head and laugh at myself for my doings. I am sure that's what God does most of His times. He will think that how stupid I am believing in myself more than half of times I am awake. Again, the night has come and in 6 hours I have to be sitting in the tiny seat of Cambell Hall.

dreaming: "What's your e-mail address?"

May 1st, 2002
12:40AM Happy Mat 1st! Happy birthday to Stella~~~~! She turned 20 today!
I am in love with Toy. I mean, the songs, actually. Their songs are so good. It's like sweet strawberry cheesecake melting on my tongue. Yum~~~~ Hmmmmm~~~ So, I hung out with Ile tonight at Health Sciences Library. We had good times. I think we are getting better friends every second. She's my first friend ever from OSU. How cool is that! I talked to the Poet tonight, and I guess he didn't quite get my thought from last night. He did not say anything about my comment. -_- POET! DON"T YOU GET IT!?! He said he drew me. HE DREW ME! I wonder how he drew me! Pretty? Ugly? Like me? I'd like to see it sometime. Maybe, he will give it to me for my 22nd bday. IT'S COMING! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME IN A MONTH AND 7 DAYS! YIKES! I am excited. I will be receiving a promise ring from my mommy~~~~~. I have realized that I am in the position of taking care of my parents. All this time, they have been the ones who mentor me and worry about me, but these days, I find myself worrying about their lives and listening to their problems and giving them advices. My psychology major has been very helpful. Oh! By the way, I think I have mood disorder. I am both happy and melancholic. I don't have depressions because there's happy thoughts in my head. So I have mood disorder. One minute, I am happy and next minute I get really sad without knowing why.

12:48AMLove me love me~~~~~. Not seeing the Canadian for 2 days in a row, I have folded my thoughts and made my conclusion: I WON'T GET TO SEE HIM AT ALL. I think he left. Either went back to Canada, or left for England for oral surgery program, or looking for a practice in the USA. I do not even know his name. And his face starts appear hazy in my head. Oh well. I had a good memory of him for the past weeks. That's that. Yawn~~~~~~ I should go to bed. My 7:18 AM class is in 6 hrs. GNite Everyone. Write me a note, Poet!

11:58PM
Hehehe. I am a genius. Hehehe. I feel much better after finding out his name and everything else. When my co-worker and I visited upstairs AGD, I hear someone saying "Hi, Esther~". Unexpectedly, it was the Canadian. It totally made my day. However, he told us that he was done - meaning he's leaving in June when the school year's over. Hmmmm...I guess we weren't meant to have any friendship or anything what so ever.
feelings: empty, hungry, dreamy, worried, tired, screamy, missing, sleepy~

dreaming: "Take care. I hope to see you sometime in the future. Can we keep in touch?"

April 29th, 2002
11:42PM Um...after tomorrow new month starts. And it's kinda overwhelming. I was depressed today after taking a nap until 9 o'clock. I freaked out because physiology quiz is tomorrow. After looking forward to it all weekend, goin to work gave me a hugs disappointment. I did not see the Canadian. I mean, NERB is over, so he doesn't nees the practice kit anymore. But still. However, I saw the Hercules. Man, his body is so built. My co-workers joked around him. My head was filled with the Canadian (I don't even know his name.). I like his personality. He says hi to me whenever he sees me. I wonder if he's leaving after this year. I wonder what his name is.
Guess what? Reconciliation my day today. Even though it was awkward seeing him waving his hand saying hi to me, I think we have finally reached the peak of reconciliation. Yay! It took us...um...2 years (about 20 months). Things happen when you expect the least - right Ile?
These days, my girlfriends are having a boyfever. I guess me2 (?). But not as bad as them. We all know that it's not time yet. But we still want someone. We still want some. HEHEHE. JK.
I wonder if I will ever get married. I was hoping that I would meet someone while I am in dental school. BUT,after working at the dental clinic over a year, I found out that most of men in dental school enter dental school with a ring. And if they are already married, they have babies while in dental school, if not, they get married while in dental school. Hmmmm, so if all the good ones come with a ring, then where am I supposed to meet the one? I mean, where is God hiding him? Or is He even preparing one for me? I laugh at myself thinking about all these questions.
I hope that I don't lose the friendship that I made with the Poet in fall quarter. After the winter break, I have noticed that our friendship's fading away. It kinda makes me sad. Even though, I dont' talk to him that often, it does not mean that I don't really care about our friendship and the times we shared our thoughts until 3 in the morning. hehe. I just want you to know, the poet, that I will value what we have no matter what.

dreaming: Would you like to go on a date with me?
12:01 AM